Many of the adages I grew up with were misleading. Some were merely confusing. But others, if followed literally, would lead to catastrophe.
Depending on your perspective, I’m either getting to be or already am an old man. I don’t know if all of the old saws are still in use. Consequently, young people reading this might say, “What the hell is that old fart talking about.” That’s OK. I hear that a lot even from people my age and older. I’m used to it.
As a public service for everyone who has heard or will hear these adages, I offer the following clarifications:
Dangerous Adages
Fight fire with fire.
This is a horrible idea. If there’s a fire in your kitchen, or anywhere else for that matter, do not try to fight the fire with a lit blowtorch. If you have one handy, a fire extinguisher is tremendously preferable. If a fire extinguisher is not available, just about anything else nearby will do a much better job of fighting the fire than a lit blowtorch or, worse, say, a flamethrower.
A stitch in time saves nine.
Be warned: This has absolutely nothing to do with the space-time continuum. Hence, you would be well advised to not depend on a stitch in time to rescue you in an emergency.
To use the fire example again, if a family of nine is caught in a burning building, the adults should immediately round up the children, find the fastest safe escape route, and get their butts out of there as quickly as possible.
Come to think of it, they should get their whole bodies out of there. (True, a butt and the rest of the associated body usually come as a package deal. So, you probably figured that out.)
Screaming like banshees while fleeing is not recommended, but may be unavoidable.
The probability that the fabric of time will, at just the right moment, be stitched in such a way as to transport the family back to a time shortly before the fire, thereby allowing them to either prevent its cause or leave the building before it starts, is so incredibly remote that you should definitely not rely on it.
In summary, old adages notwithstanding, never count on a stitch in time saving nine, or any other number of people for that matter. It might happen. But it is probably astronomically rare, if that.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
Uncharacteristically, this is one of the adages that might bear some truth. Just a smidgen, mind you.
Although, taken literally and narrowly, this saying is just as nuts as the others. Maybe more. Sitting in a sauna probably won’t make you much smarter. And if you take this aphorism literally, but don’t apply a deodorant liberally, other people might insist that you keep your genius at a distance.
Bird Adages
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
This is true under some rare conditions, namely the bird must be dead and not disease-bearing or you must be someone who enjoys bird excrement in your hand and/or getting pecked. Also, you or someone you know must enjoy taxidermy and/or eating birds.
This saying takes on an entirely different meaning if you apply the politically incorrect, sexually loaded vernacular definitions to the words “bird” and “bush.” But I’ll leave that discussion for someone else.
Birds of a Feather Flock Together.
What is it with birds? Why do they get two adages? Look, birds of a feather might flock together, but that’s really up to them. There’s not a lot we can do about it.
And, if there were something we could do about it, I don’t think we should be so nonchalant about and tolerant of their flocking choices. Instead, we should encourage birds to be more inclusive. They should accept and, better yet, warmly welcome diverse birds of other feathers into their social gatherings. What a wonderful world it would be. At least, for birds. We still need a heck of lot more work in the human realm in this regard.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
There is no empirical evidence to back up this assertion. It is likely true only if you throw the apples at the doctor. That might discourage him or her from coming around, but there are much more effective projectiles if that’s your goal. And, why the hell would you want to keep doctors away? They can be extremely valuable to have around, particularly if you’re sick or injured.
Many hands make light work.
OK, now this saying is just utter nonsense. Light is electromagnetic radiation with a wavelength in the visible range. It doesn’t require any hands to make it work. A light bulb and some electricity or a natural light source, such as the sun, are your best bets if you want to make light work.
Sure, when it comes to switched electric lights, you have to turn them on. But not all lights are switched. And, you can activate many switches with, say, an elbow. Heck, you can even turn some lights on with an automated light sensor or by telling a newfangled gadget like Siri or Alexa to turn them on.
And I don’t recommend trying to touch the sun with your hand. You won’t succeed. And that’s a good thing.
Never put off for tomorrow what you can do today.
This is often good advice, but it requires a caveat if you want to avoid harm to yourself and others. You should not do everything you can do today simply because you can do them.
In fact, there are some things that, despite being easily doable immediately if the necessary materials are at hand, should never be done today and always be put off for tomorrow ad infinitum. A partial list includes: drinking poison; firing a gun at your or anyone else’s head, torso, foot or any other body part; calling a biker or a member of the mafia a yellow-bellied sissy; jumping off the top of a tall building, bridge or cliff; teasing a nearby, unrestrained, starving grizzly bear; and singing in a loud soprano voice for more than a few seconds. Alright, that last one is just my own pet peeve, but you get my point.
And, even apart from the fatal actions that you should put off indefinitely, there are other actions that are better delayed. Sometimes problems solve themselves when given enough time and/or as a result of actions undertaken by others who you cajole or trick into doing the work.
The last of the adages (for now): The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
We don’t need this saying at all. The advice it purports to give through its mockery of a common human condition, envy, is obvious enough without having to hear that old saw. And the adverse effects of envy, which are at the core of the adage, are so easy to surmount as to make any verbal encouragement to do so unnecessary.
Then again, it may just be that I can’t relate to this adage. I live in a condominium apartment. I have a patio, but no yard. If I ever do buy a house with a yard, I’m never going to water the lawn. I wouldn’t want the neighbours to feel envious of me. As a service to them, I’d always be the one with the less-green grass. That’s just the sort of altruistic guy I am. You’re welcome.
