Maybe it’s just the circles I travel in, but I occasionally hear people say, “I’ve got to pee in the worst way.” They often have pained looks when they say it.
I always thought this was strange. I’m reasonably certain that when they do get the chance to urinate, very few, if any, of them do so in the worst way*.
* Important note: I’m a firm believer in the scientific method. Nevertheless, propriety, a respect for privacy, and extreme laziness prevent me from validating this assumption with empirical data.
Pee in the worst way? What does that even mean?
The “worst way” is, of course, a subjective label. I can’t precisely define it, but I’m sure it’s not what these people are doing. I don’t intend any disrespect whatsoever to anyone who, due to a medical condition, must urinate into a bag through a surgically implanted tube. They truly have my sympathies. But I think that peeing through an orifice other than the usual one would be less desirable than urinating in the normal way. For instance, peeing through your eye socket would probably be painful. And urinating through, say, your nose or mouth would be revolting.
And, if they use the typical biological apparatus, there are certainly worse ways to urinate than the way the vast majority of these people do it. Just as a couple of examples that quickly come to mind, I’m sure that peeing in a building that has become a raging inferno or one that has been flooded with particularly toxic fumes would be much worse.
And then there are medical conditions—either temporary or permanent—that can make urinating a burning experience. I don’t think that’s what people mean when they say they have to pee in the worst way. I could be wrong, though.
Have to?
There is also the question of why they have to pee in the worst way. Do they have a psychological need to urinate in some horrific manner? Mental health care professionals might be able to help them with that.
Or is there a law that requires them to do it? If it’s a law, I suggest they move to a more reasonable jurisdiction. And, if there is such a law I’m unaware of where I live, I’m going to strongly consider moving too.
I offer the above as only a casual observation. Given my desire for decorum and discretion, I can think of no way for me to profit from it. Nor can I change other people’s urination experiences. Nonetheless, for the more earthy and ambitious among you, I’m sure there are government agencies that would be eager to provide you with enormous grants to study this whole “peeing in the worst way” phenomenon.
Then again, maybe I’m wrong about what people mean by the need to pee in the worst way. If so, they should be clearer.
