I’m old. When I say that to people, some respond, “No, don’t be silly. You’re not old at all.“ (Total lie.) The more cliché-prone add, “You’re only as old as you feel.” (Totally unhelpful because I feel 137 years, three months. two weeks, and four days old. Don’t ask me how I know this is what that feels like. I just do.) Suffice it to say, no matter what age an establishment sets, I now qualify for seniors’ discounts everywhere that offers them. (That sentence would be a great way to end this paragraph, but I read that to rank highly in search engines your target keyword or phrase must appear in the first paragraph. My target phrase is “life lessons.” There. Done. Happy now, Google?)
People, I’m not fishing for complements when I say I’m old. Honestly. I’m saying I’m old. You should take my word for it. When I was a child, I thought, when it came to human ages, there was little difference between 66 and infinity. I’m now 66. End of story.
Getting old is not all it’s cracked up to be. And it was never cracked up to be all that much. On the other hand, I still believe that growing old is better than the alternative. That is to say, I believe it now. Tomorrow? We’ll see. Or not.
Remembering to Learn from Mistakes
On the bright side, growing old has at least one advantage (in addition to seniors’ discounts). After experiencing stuff for all of your years, you can learn from your mistakes. That is to say, you can learn from them if you have the necessary wisdom and can remember those life lessons.
My memory has never been great. And I think it’s worsening. (How would I know? I can’t remember how bad my memory was before.)
To avoid forgetting any more of the life lessons I’ve learned, I posted them here. Hopefully, I’ll remember to look at this occasionally.
I shared this online so others can learn from my mistakes rather than making and suffering from the same ones. You’re welcome. Then again, it’s unlikely anyone (possibly including me) will find this, so to hell with the ungrateful bastards who are too indolent to hunt for it.
Before I leap into listing my life lessons, allow me to anticipate a complaint people will have if they miraculously find this. Yes, I know. There aren’t many life lessons listed below. Remind me, did I mention my poor memory? Well, that’s part of the reason.
The other part of the reason for the dearth of life lessons is I’m somewhat of a recluse*. So, despite now being an old fart, I haven’t experienced much in my life. In that way, and in only that way, it’s surprisingly easy being me.
(* I do like to travel, but I try to travel in a bubble that makes me invisible to others and others invisible to me. Thus, my travels don’t nullify my “somewhat of a recluse” status.)
I’ll Get Back to You With More Life Lessons. Maybe.
If I subsequently recall any currently forgotten, but likely woefully few life lessons (or if I unexpectedly experience something new), I may write another Life Lessons column.
And who knows? Maybe I’ve been an adventurous soul all these years, but I simply forgot.
On the other hand, the probability of me remembering that I planned to write down anything further is infinitesimal.
With that introduction and those gratuitous pictures out of the way, the following are my life lessons. In lieu of thanks send cash.
Life Lessons (Part One of One or Possibly More Parts)
- “Never put off for tomorrow what you can do today“ is probably by far the worst maxim anyone invented. The rule clearly should instead be, “never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.”
Seriously. Think about it. Sometimes problems disappear on their own. When that happens, doing today is wasted effort because tomorrow it won’t be necessary at all.
Other times, if you wait for more and/or better information to come your way you’ll find a much better solution to the problem tomorrow, or a week from Tuesday, or whenever.
What’s more, you may die tomorrow, rendering what you do today pointless.
Thus, I defer every action for as long as possible because it’s a scientifically provable fact that it’s highly advantageous to do so. Either that or because I’m pathologically lazy guy who much prefers to procrastinate. Probably the latter. - No matter how constipated you may be, eating too many prunes in a single day can still be a problem. If you do go overboard, you might want to sleep on the toilet that night, just to be on the safe side. That’s way better than having to clean your bedding and bedclothes in the morning if the worst should happen.
Just trust me on that one. Don’t ask me to explain further. Add it to your vicarious life lessons and let’s say no more about it.
(P.S.: Nothing I say should ever be taken as medical advice because that would be incredibly stupid. I have no medical training. I’m not even sure I really understand how to use bandaids. That’s why doctors exist. That is to say, they exist not primarily to put on bandaids, but to offer and apply medical advice. But you probably figured that out. Never mind. Carry on.)
On Being Short
- There is no shame in being short. Not only is it not shameful, but nobody ever asks you to put things on or get things off high shelves. Consequently, being short is great for lazy people.
Furthermore, nobody can spot you in a crowd. This is a tremendous benefit when hiding from the police. Or so I imagine. It’s only speculation, you understand.
(The answer to the question burrowing a painful hole in your brain is, “about five feet, five and a half inches.” I swear I used to be five-foot-six, so I might have to update this regularly if I continue to shrink.
On the bright side, if I am shrinking, I’ll be excused from reaching even more shelves than I used to be. Sweet! That parenthetical aside having been said, the point that there’s no shame in being short stands. It just doesn’t stand tall.) - If you weren’t supposed to drink milk or juice directly from the container it comes in container-makers would make it much more difficult to do so.
The Five-Second Rule
- The five-second rule is a myth. The truth is, you likely won’t die from eating food that’s been on the floor for five minutes, let alone five seconds. Possibly longer. What’s more, food that was already dry when it fell is probably safe for as much as five months.
(P.S.: In all seriousness, you can eat off my floors. I don’t guarantee you won’t become deathly ill if you do. In fact, you probably will; I’m a slob. I’m just saying that I give you permission to do so if you’re ever in my place and have an unhealthy urge to eat off my floors. However, I assume absolutely no responsibility for the consequences.
On the other hand, this will probably never come up because, remember those “somewhat of a recluse” and I’m a slob” things? Yeah. I’m probably never going to let you into my place.
P.P.S.: What I said above about not construing anything I say as medical advice also goes for food-hygiene advice.) - Jaywalking is a crime. Don’t do it unless you’re in a hurry or impatient, you first look both ways, and you estimate there’s at least a fifty percent chance that you won’t be hit by a speeding car. Jaywalking in front of a car going slowly enough that, even if it doesn’t stop in time, it won’t cause more than very minor injuries is perfectly acceptable under the law. Just don’t tell anyone I said so.
Nose Picking
- Picking your nose is socially acceptable as long as you do it only when nobody can see you. Not that I would do such a thing. I’m just saying. That’s all.
- Beyond a certain age, most people’s eyesight weakens. Contrary to popular belief, this is a positive outcome. At least, it is if you share my household hygiene philosophy. I believe you don’t need to clean up any food particles, dust, or miscellaneous dirt that you can’t see.
- You’re legally allowed to call yourself a published author even if your publisher lost money on your now-old book. OK, true, this particular life lesson might have limited applicability. (See: Byte-ing Satire.) Successful authors, as well as people who haven’t had and don’t intend to have anything published, can safely ignore it.
– – The End. But hopefully not of all things. Have a nice day. – –
