I often wonder who thought of performing certain activities for the first time. Or, rather, not so much who thought of them, but why he or she did.
I’m not thinking of activities that make perfect sense now and that would always have made perfect sense even to people exposed to them for the first time. I’m thinking of activities that we now accept as normal, but if intelligent space aliens visited our planet and watched us carrying out these practices they’d shriek, “Are you out of your freaking minds?” But on further reflection they pensively ask, “Are you out of your freaking minds?” Or, rather, whatever “are you out of your freaking mind” is in their language.
The following are some of the things I had in mind.
First Time: Piercing
What the hell deranged stream of consciousness led someone to intentionally pierce a hole in his or her body solely for decorative purposes when nobody had done so before?
Did someone wake up one morning, perform his or her daily ablutions, look at his or her reflection in a mirror or, if there weren’t any mirrors, in a pool of water, and decide, “You know, I don’t think I have enough holes in my body. I’m going to make another one. And, for good measure, I’ll hang a possibly infection-laden decoration from it. Yeah, that’s a totally awesome idea! I can hardly wait!”
Can you think of anything stupider? And yet today we accept it as a normal human activity. And a few people pierce themselves in what seem to be the most masochistic of places. Go figure.
We’re supposed to be an intelligent species. Do gerbils have earrings, or any other body piercings for that matter? No. No they don’t. So, I ask you, which is the smarter species?
Tattoos
If you believe Wikipedia, people have been tattooing themselves since at least the fourth or fifth millennium BC. How did this practice start?
I imagine the following conversation between two ancients, Ötzi and Itzö:
Ötzi: I’m bored. What do you want to do today?
Itzö: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Ötzi: I don’t know. What do you wan … wait a really short time interval that isn’t defined yet! I’ve got it! Let’s take a needle and use it to push an indelible coloured substance under our skin! Maybe we could even make a super-cool pattern!
Itzö: Ötzi, you’re a genius!!! I guess that’s why we made you chief.
And the tradition continues today.
It’s crazy. Why didn’t they rub colouration on their skin rather than poking it below the surface? That would have been less painful, imposed less risk of infection, and, if they changed their minds, they could have let it fade away. Tattoos, on the other hand? Not so much.
Breast Augmentation
I don’t understand why women would voluntarily have themselves cut open to place foreign objects into their breasts for the sole purpose of making them bigger.
Sure, for a reason I can’t quite fathom, I might find you more sexually exciting if you do, but I haven’t encountered many women who are the least bit interested in having me find them sexually exciting. Besides, if that’s the only feature that attracts someone to you then you definitely shouldn’t be attracted to him (or her). But maybe that’s just me.
So, who first thought of breast augmentation surgery? This might be just me projecting, but I bet it was a guy.
First Time Circumcision. (Author Cringes)
“Hey, look at look at that flap of skin down there! It doesn’t seem do be serving any useful purpose. I’m going to slice it off.” What sort of maniac thinks like that when no one did it before?
As it happens, male circumcision may be a good idea. There is some debate, but from what I’ve read, the balance of evidence suggests that circumcised men are less prone to some sexually transmitted diseases, such as genital herpes and HIV than uncircumcised men. (See here and here, or Google “circumcision sexually transmitted diseases”, (without the quotes) to find a bunch more.)
However, no one would have known that when someone first chopped off a foreskin. They knew nothing of how infections worked. And, by definition, before the first circumcision there were no circumcised men to serve as a scientific sample. Besides, HIV was millennia away from entering the human population at that point. So who was the maniac who thought to do it the first time?
I was circumcised when I was a few days old. I’m sure it hurt at the time, but I’m still alive and I have zero recollection of it, so it couldn’t have been all that traumatic. Nonetheless, if I had reasoning, language and speech faculties back then and if I hadn’t had any of the data on disease prevention—or probably even if I had—and someone asked me, “Would it be alright if I sliced off a piece of your penis?” I’m pretty sure that I would have screamed “NO!” and cursed the fact that my legs weren’t yet able to get me the hell out of there.
If you believe in the Old Testament, male circumcision started when God told Abraham to circumcise himself, all male members of his household, his descendants and slaves in an everlasting covenant. His slaves? What the heck!? God sanctioned slavery? Well, never mind that. It’s not part of this discussion. Even ignoring the slave part, this still doesn’t sound right to me.
If you believe the bible (I don’t, but maybe you do) then you believe that God created man. So, in essence, God told Abraham, “Hey, you know that little piece of skin I put on the end of your penis? That was a design flaw. It’s totally useless. Cut it off. Tell all of the other guys you know to cut it off too. That will be your sign to me that you are my people, because otherwise I’d have no way of knowing.”
Female circumcision, on the other hand, is just plain barbarous and evil, with no redeeming factors. The best I can figure is that some incredibly stupid, cruel people, whom I’m ashamed to say were likely of my sex, decided it was a bad idea to let women enjoy sex because they might, well, enjoy sex.
Shaving
I shave my face almost every morning. Don’t ask me why. I just do. In my few rational, lucid moments I think it’s ridiculous.
Who first declared that men look better or less threatening with hairless faces and then proceeded to drag a sharp blade (flint?) across his face to get rid of his facial hair? Whoever it was, I continue to be a slave to him and a loyal customer of razor blade and shaving cream companies.
I understand trimming your beard when it interferes with eating or when you start tripping on it, but why do I feel compelled to shave every day? I don’t know.
In some religions, it’s considered sinful for men to shave off their facial hair. I can understand this. Beyond not wasting time shaving, which gives them more time to waste praying, shaving seems to me to be an offense to most Western religions’ concepts of God. If you believe that God created man, then you believe that God gave him facial hair. Isn’t it then an insult to God to shave off what he’s graciously given us? That’s a terrific excuse for not shaving, but not enough to make me start believing in God.
Many women shave too. They usually don’t have much facial hair to speak of (although, when they do, insensitive people might speak of it), but they eliminate hair in places where most men don’t bother shaving.
I have to admit that I find armpit hair and furry legs to be unattractive on a woman. Why is that? I have armpit and leg hair. Then again, I have very low self-esteem.
I think it must be social conditioning. I’m reasonably certain that women have had hair on their legs, under their arms, and around their vulvas ever since our species evolved into existence. And, considering we evolved from an ancestor that we share with chimpanzees and bonobos, women probably used to have more hair than they do now. But, on an evolutionary timescale, they didn’t start shaving until comparatively recently. Yet natural selection didn’t kill them off due to their hair before they started shaving.
Why do I prefer women who shave their legs and armpits or who get rid of the hair there by other means? I don’t know. It seems terribly unfair of me to expect them to do that. I don’t bother shaving in either of those places. So why should I expect women to shave there? It’s clearly male chauvinism and I should try to reprogram my tastes, but, shamefully (no kidding, shamefully), I don’t.
