(Photo taken at Palazzo Reale, Milan.)
Obesity is a major risk factor for a great many ailments* (see important note below), some of which are extremely grave. Yet losing weight can, to say the least, be difficult. All of the charlatan diets out there that strive to steer you wrong don’t help.
Working hard at a program of diet and exercise only to see little or no progress can be disheartening. Moreover, reaching a plateau that is still well above your target weight or, worse, backsliding can be depressing.
Don’t despair. The following helpful hints will help you to see better results when you get on the scale:
Starting Off Right is Critical to Losing Weight
- To avoid the disappointment that inevitably comes when you don’t see much immediate progress, before beginning your diet, weigh yourself fully clothed and with lots of large rocks in your pockets. (You need to wear garments with plenty of large pockets to make this work. Thus, you may have to buy a new weigh-in wardrobe.) At each subsequent weigh-in, wear the same clothes but remove one rock.
- After you run out of rocks, start removing one item of clothing at each weigh-in. Continue until you are weighing yourself naked.
- Every little bit helps when it comes to losing weight. So, after this initial phase-in period, before you get on the scale always:
- Cut your toenails and fingernails.
- Shave every strand of hair off your body.
- Blow your nose
- Spit.
- Defecate.
- And urinate.
- Further to the above point, there is no reliable scientific evidence supporting the hypothesis that it is possible for something or someone to scare the shit out of you. Nevertheless, in case it is possible, watching scary movies or vociferously casting vicious aspersions on street-gang members or mafioso before weighing yourself might be worth a try.
Accuracy Matters
- To get an accurate reading, you have to stand up straight on the scale. Therefore, after you exhaust the above options, experiment to determine in which direction and how far you have to lean to shave off the most weight. Assume that position. Putting a foot on the floor rather than the scale is cheating, but leaning is fair game.
- Calibrating your scale so it displays a negative number when nothing is on it is also cheating. However, if someone else adjusts your scale downward, it’s not your fault. This is why many weight-loss gurus recommend that, before beginning a weight-loss program, you should get a diet buddy who will support you along the way.
- Temperature affects the accuracy of some types of scales, with the scale showing lower weights in colder rooms. If you have one of these types of scales, crank up the air conditioning a little more each day. Or, if it’s wintertime in a cold climate, lower the thermostat a little each day. Warning: Avoid frostbite.
- Always position your scale beside a wall. Balancing yourself by placing a hand on the wall can shave a few pounds off your reported weight.
- Exercise is an important part of any weight-loss program. Install a chin-up bar above your scale. I think you can figure out how to make effective use of this arrangement.
Your Scale’s Scale
- Buy a metric scale if you don’t already have one. You weigh a lot less in kilograms than in pounds. If you are in the United Kingdom and you weigh yourself in stones you are already way ahead of the game. Then again, nobody else has the foggiest of ideas as to what that’s all about, so don’t expect us to join you.
- Scales sometimes break. It may be rare, but it happens. If it happens to your scale, there is a minuscule, but nonzero probability that it will display your “ideal” weight even though you are still a fat slob. There are a lot of scales in existence. One of them might be broken in just the right way. Try to find that scale.
Physics
- Weight is a function of gravity’s interaction with mass. Exercise and diet target mass, but you can also do something about gravity. If losing weight is your goal, become an astronaut. This isn’t for everyone, but if you do become an astronaut then, once you get far enough out in space such that gravity is negligible, you will be virtually weightless.
- Air buoyancy can also affect the number reported by your scale. Attaching large and/or numerous helium-filled balloons to your body before getting on the scale can help you to achieve weightlessness, or part thereof. As a bonus, if you use sufficient helium and carry a damp sponge, this will provide you with an easy way to clean the ceiling.
Yes; yes. I know. Sticklers will point out that the total package—helium and balloons included—will be weightless, not you, and only as measured by your scale sitting on the floor. But, the point is, shut up. - A few reputable physicists speculate that we might live in a multiverse in which all possible outcomes occur, each in a different universe. If these physicists are right, there is a universe where you are already the ideal weight. You simply need to find a way to live in that universe.
That sounds impossible, but the good news is that if this theory is correct then there is already an exact copy of you living in that universe. Thus, your job is done. Go celebrate with a couple of drinks and nice, big meal. If you don’t, one of your multiverse doubles will. It might as well be you.
Creativity is the Key
As the above tips make clear, seeing success in losing weight doesn’t necessarily require hard work, determination or willpower. Just a little creativity. On the other hand, achieving, as opposed to seeing, those results is a totally different matter and way beyond my expertise.
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Warning
* My medical expertise is limited to an ability to apply bandaids to very minor cuts. And I do that very poorly. Anyone who makes decisions based on medical advice I provide should, in addition to any other medical conditions for which they seek medical advice, should have their heads examined by a qualified professional. That having been said, if I provide a link to a reputable site, it’s likely safe to believe what you find there. But, no guarantees.
