I am a frequent Starbucks customer. That’s because I like strong coffee, particularly espresso. To my taste, the flavour of coffee at other chains here in Canada approximates dishwater. Not that I’ve ever sampled dishwater, you understand. I just imagine that’s what it tastes like.
Peet’s Coffee in the U.S. is, in my opinion, as good as Starbucks, but we don’t have Peet’s here. There are some independent coffeehouses that have good coffee, but I haven’t found any in my neighbourhood.
Another reason I frequent Starbucks is I’m a low-budget snob. Besides, I prefer to pretend that flavour is the reason for favoring Starbucks rather than snobbery.
Despite being a loyal customer, I think there are a few issues Starbucks Corporation should address. Below, I propose rules to make the Starbucks experience more enjoyable
Proposed Starbucks Rules
- This one is for people who order complex drinks (e.g., “skinny soy latte, extra hot, low-foam, grande size in a vente cup, with a vanilla shot, caramel topping, etc., etc., etc.”). If it takes more than 15 seconds to say your single-drink order then you desperately need to simplify your life. People are waiting in line behind you. Probably me.
Fifteen seconds is a lot longer than most people think. Don’t believe me? Try timing it. It’s much more than enough time to say any single-drink order that any reasonable person could ever want, even if you tend to trip over your words.
Starbucks cashiers should start a timer when people begin to say their drink orders. At the 15-second mark, the cashiers should cut a long-winded customer off, give the barista the customer’s order as it stood at that point, charge the customer, and move on to the next person.
Know What You Want
- Decide what you want before you get to the cash register. Like I said, people are waiting in line behind you. And you don’t need to get into a long discussion with the cashier to help you make your decision. Be independent. Make your own choices.
If customers don’t know what they want, the cashier should tell them to step aside until they do. The cashier can then serve the next people in line. That way, indecisive people can make the horribly perplexing and horrendously consequential decision of what to order at Starbucks without inconveniencing other people. (If you didn’t read “horribly perplexing and horrendously consequential” as being sarcastic, please reread it, adjusting the tone of the voice inside your head appropriately.) - As a corollary to rule 2, if you’re buying something for someone else and you don’t know what that person wants, call the person before you reach the cashier, not after. Cashiers should dole out the same “step-aside” punishment to miscreants who break this rule as they dole out to perpetrators who break rule 2.
Noises off
- I don’t want to listen to your end of your cellphone conversation. I make exceptions for entertaining conversations, such as a comical discussion of your promiscuous sex life. But those sorts of conversations are rare.
If you must talk on your cellphone in Starbucks, don’t speak any louder than you would when conversing with someone sitting beside you. And, remember, whether you’re conversing on the phone or in-person, inside voices, please.
Starbucks employees should confiscate the phones of people talking too loudly and smash them with a large, metal mallet. That is to say, they should smash the phones, not the people talking on them. The crime of loud-talking is not quite egregious enough to risk that level of personal injury. Not quite.
To punish cellphone loud-talkers more directly, baristas should, to use a line from Woody Allen’s Annie Hall, employ a large sock with horse manure in it. That way, there’s less risk of serious injury requiring hospitalization.
Starbucks Tables Scarcity
- Starbucks tables are scarce in downtown locations. If you need an Internet connection for the whole day, get it someplace else. I hate people who hog Starbucks’ free wi-fi bandwidth for several hours and, worse, occupy a table for the whole time, while nursing only a single coffee—just a plain coffee, mind you, not even the more expensive espresso-based drinks.
If you’re going to hog a table and bandwidth for a whole day, buy expensive drinks and foods at frequent intervals. That way, Starbucks can justify leasing more space and adding more tables.
If a customer doesn’t spend at least, say, an average of $5 every 15 minutes, Starbucks should politely ask him or her to leave so I can have the table. As it is now, I often can’t find a vacant one.
If the customer refuses to leave, Starbucks should confiscate his or her Web-enabled device and send it to someone in one of the countries where Starbucks’ beans are grown. Some of those are poor countries. It would be a charitable act that would benefit both the device recipients and customers in Starbucks stores frustrated with the shortage of tables.
Worth Fighting For
I recognize that the confiscation and smashing-or-donating punishments of rules four and five might cause legal problems. Starbucks should implement the rules nevertheless. And it should stick to its guns. Fight it all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
Besides, Starbucks is a large, profitable company. How many people would be willing to sue a company with such deep pockets if the company promises to fight the suit for as long as it takes to grind the plaintiff down into abject poverty? Probably not a lot.
These few simple rules will greatly enhance the enjoyment of most Starbucks customers. Are you with me?
