The decades-old, on-again, off-again battles in the tiny, brutally impoverished country of Toomaltia flared up again five months ago. They continue still today.
To date, 178 men, women, children, and other people—which represents over five percent of the population at the start of the fighting—died in the current round of fierce skirmishes. There has also been an enormous increase in the number of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), but that may or may not be related to the battles.
Despite many scholarly attempts, no one can trace the cause of this flare-up. The dominant theory is that it had something to do with the price of lobster in Toomaltia.
Some scholars are skeptical of this theory. They argue it’s unlikely that the price of lobster is the proximate cause of the battles. Their skepticism is probably warranted. No one in this universally emaciated, land-locked country has ever seen a crustacean, let alone tasted one.
Peace is a Distant Hope, at Best
The odds of reaching a peaceful solution lengthened two days ago. Then, a new faction, the Toomaltia Libation Army (TLA), entered the fray, further complicating the situation. The TLA drinks and trains for its battles—but mostly drinks—in a militia-themed neighbourhood bar.
Jawbbahh Thehahtte, leader of the TLA, gained control of the group thanks to his virile appearance, his skill at almost correctly pronouncing the word “onomatopoeia,” and his often-proven ability to carve a soon-to-be-formerly-alive body into bite-size pieces using only a wooden toothpick.
On the bright side, the TLA is extremely fractious. Thus, it is doubtful that Thehahtte can hold the group together for more than a few months. In fact, many people placed large bets on it disintegrating before it fought more than two or three battles. Or within 15 minutes, whichever came first.
TLA Sets Conditions to End Battles
So far, the TLA has issued two demands that it insists must be met before it will stop fighting.
First, all charitable groups with the letter “R” anywhere in their names must not be allowed to distribute food aid to the starving people of Toomaltia, i.e., the entire population. The name of the god of the religious sect from which the TLA draws its members begins with “R.” They consider it to be disrespectful for an infidel organization to include His initial in its name.
An outsider might view this demand as extreme and inane, but it is reasonable when considered in the context of the TLA’s religion.The religion considers it a Cardinal Sin to speak or write the holy name of its God. In fact, this prohibition inadvertently led to the crucifixion, stoning, and immolation of the drafter of an early version of the TLA’s demand.
Free Toasters
The second demand is much more secular. The TLA insists that, because of the rampant poverty in Toomaltia, all banks operating in the country must offer no-fee personal accounts. The banks must also distribute toasters to people who open accounts. The TLA may extend this demand to include business accounts should anyone ever conduct any commerce in Toomaltia.
Despite believing that this reform is a crucial element in serving the needs of the poor, the TLA stated that it is willing to negotiate a phase-in period for introducing no-fee accounts. The TLA is disposed to grant this concession in consideration of the fact that no banks currently operate in Toomaltia. And none are considering commencing operations there in the foreseeable future.
Literacy Battles
The TLA contemplated making additional demands, and it may do so in the future. However, it can’t yet agree on any because its demand-adoption process is exceptionally painstaking.
For example, a couple of members suggested that the group demand that the country immediately launch a literacy program. Their proposed goal was that, within 20 years, at least 30 percent of Toomaltians should be close to functionally literate. This would be a tenfold increase over the current literacy rate.
The TLA voted down this resolution because the vast majority of its members did not know what “literacy” meant.
Liberation Battles? Libation Battles? 🤷🏼♂️
The people who moved and seconded the literacy resolution also proposed another motion. That motion read, “Be it resolved that liberation is not spelled libation.” Members voted down that motion because the faction had already bought business cards. It couldn’t afford to reprint the cards.
Furthermore, pretty well everyone in the TLA greatly enjoys personally-consumed libations, even if they don’t know what it means.
Marketing Issues
The greatest angst within the TLA arose as a result of indecisiveness over marketing strategy. The group couldn’t figure out how to brand and position itself within the insurrection market.
Some members suggested they should call themselves “the government.” However, they decided that this term would fail to gain widespread acceptance among the populace because a majority of Toomaltians, and a plurality of the members of the United Nations, recognize the TLA’s primary enemy as the government. In contrast, no countries recognize the TLA as the government of Toomaltia. Many don’t recognize Toomaltia either. Furthermore, none of the mothers of the members of the TLA will admit to recognizing their children when they cross paths in a public place.
Rebels, But Not for Legal Purposes
With the term “government” out of the question, the TLA decided to refer to itself as rebels. However, it abandoned that term when it learned that another faction registered a local trademark on “rebels.” The lawyer for the other faction sent the TLA a cease and desist order. The order threatened legal action and/or the massacre of all of TLA’s members if the TLA continued to refer to itself as rebels.
TLA members did not fear a massacre, but they didn’t want to risk legal action.
For a time, the TLA considered adopting the label “insurgents.” It quickly quashed that idea when someone pointed out that few, if any, Toomaltians have the foggiest of ideas as to what an insurgent is. The debate continues.
Weaponry Budget
Beyond the marketing issues, poverty makes it difficult for the TLA to acquire the weapons necessary to succeed in its battles. Being good Toomaltians, TLA fighters, all male, turned to their womenfolk for assistance.
The fighters, as is the local custom, forced their wives and daughters into prostitution. This helped a little. But there are only 24 hours in a day. And Toomaltia has only a very limited number of Johns with money in their pockets. Consequently, the brothels raised enough funds to buy three bullets, but no guns.
A daring raid on another faction’s arsenal finally solved the weapons-shortage problem. The TLA’s brave commandos made off with 8 penknives, 12 slingshots, and 56 very sharp stones.
Because of the copious blood that continues to be shed in support of their and the other factions’ causes, all members of the TLA hope that their enemies will meet their demands soon. The death and destruction are horrid. In addition, the TLA’s fighters wear rented uniforms. If the TLA doesn’t return the garments by a week from Tuesday the TLA will forfeit its deposit. What’s more, the TLA bears responsibility for cleaning blood off the uniforms before returning them.
Be that as it may, the battles continue.
* Picture taken by me at the Army Museum in Stockholm, Sweden on May 31, 2014. I am unaware of any diplomatic or other relations between Sweden and Toomaltia.
