NEWS FLASH: Carbonspew Introduces Revolutionary Engine Technology

Revolutionary new engine technology!
Revolutionary new engine technology!

Today, Carbonspew Motors, Inc. (Carbonspew) introduced a revolutionary new engine technology it calls “Moolahator.” (Pronounced moo-la-ate-or.) The company expects it to reinvigorate the auto industry.

At least one element of the Moolahator is not novel. The Moolahator is a steam engine. Carrying traditional steam technologies forward, Carbonspew made it an entirely closed-loop system. The engine condenses 100 percent of the steam back into water. Thus, car owners need never refill the water tank.

What qualifies this as a breakthrough is the fuel used to generate steam. The Moolahator burns shredded waste paper.

To make car owners’ lives easier, in addition to a tail-mounted paper-funnel, Carbonspew will incorporate shredders into all of its new Moolahator cars as standard equipment. You’ll simply take sheets of paper and feed them directly into the shredder slot on the dashboard. After the paper is minced, a conveyor feeds it into the burner.

Thanks to this innovation, Carbonspew customers are expected to not just grudgingly accept junk mail, but actually welcome it as a source of free fuel. “No junk mail” stickers on mail boxes will be a thing of the past. Thus, the Moolahator engine technology do more than just boost Carbonspew’s profits. It will also increase post office revenues.

Moolahator Engine Technology Mileage May Vary

The mileage you’ll receive varies depending on the type and grade of paper you use. For example, a section of a normal broadsheet newspaper will carry the average small car about ten miles (16 km), provided you drive at low speeds.

It turns out that the most fuel efficient paper is the sort that many countries use to print money. Just five letter-size sheets of such paper will power an SUV for about 30 miles (48 km) at highway speeds.

Whatever paper you use, “this new engine will dramatically reduce the cost of running cars,” stated Ergo Dullarde, chief motive power executive at Carbonspew. “People will use paper they already have. Some of it, like junk mail, they get for free. Others, like magazines and news papers, they pay for, but they currently discard it after use.”

Dullarde went on to say, “Unfortunately, despite the advantages of Moolahator cars, we’ll initially need some government subsidies to take them to market.

“The difference is that we won’t ask the government to write us a huge check. Instead, we’ve requested that they pay us in paper currency. We will then offer that to prospective customers as free fuel for their cars. Depending on the size of the subsidy, we hope to be able to throw in a year’s supply of currency fuel as a purchase incentive.”

Economic Impacts of the Engine Technology

Conrad Mountebank, chief economist at Cristalle, Ball and Associates, a leading economic forecasting firm, praised this development. “Many businesses have shut down and many people lost their livelihoods due to COVID-19 and mitigation measures. This resulted in significant economic disruption and personal hardship.

“In this environment, many governments implemented assistance, recovery and stimulus programs. To fund these programs, some governments are running their currency printing presses at hypersonic speeds. Or as Donald Trump, soon-to-be-former President of the United States, might say, hydrosonic speeds.

“At the moment, large financial infusions into the economy are not a problem. The economic hits incurred due to the pandemic mean that the government spending won’t contribute significantly to inflation. At least, not for now.

“However, mercifully, the pandemic will end or, at a minimum, significantly abate sometime. When that happens, the economy will at least somewhat recover on its own. If politicians don’t then scale back the stimulus funding and remove the “temporary” tax cuts and deferrals, inflation may soar. (There is some debate over whether this will indeed happen. Economists can’t agree on anything.)

“But, politicians being politicians, it’s likely that they won’t want to anger voters by removing the benefits they provided during the pandemic. So this could be a problem. (OK. Maybe there is one thing that economists largely agree on. Politicians will be politicians.)

“That’s why the Moolahator engine is terrific. If it gains market acceptance, it will be an automatic inflation regulator. If the value of paper currency declines too much due to inflation, banknotes will become a cheap fuel source. When that happens, the burning of large quantities of money in Moolahator engines will decrease the money supply. That should provide a brake on inflation.”

Sales Outside of the United States

Nevertheless, Carbonspew expects this won’t be a factor in some countries outside of the United States. For example, the lowest denomination banknote that Canada issues is the five-dollar bill. It uses coins for its one- and two-dollar denominations. What’s more, Canada now makes its bills out of polymer, not paper. The the Moolahator engine technology can’t handle polymer.

The UK also moved to polymer for some of its small number of banknote denominations, including its smallest ones. Currently, the UK’s smallest paper-based bill is the £20 note. And that’s moving to polymer too. Then, the £50 note will be the smallest (and largest) paper-based banknote. So, pound-burning might not be an economical option.

Similarly, Euro countries issue one- and two-euro coins. It’s smallest paper currency is the five-euro bill. That might be too valuable to burn. Therefore, Europe, the UK, and Canada, and other countries without small-denomination paper-based banknotes, will have to find other ways to control inflation.

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