Holy Fun: Entertainment for God and the Masses in Heaven

Holy fun: Entertainment for God and the masses in heaven. (Picture taken at Church of Santa Croce⁩ in ⁨Florence⁩,  ⁨Italy⁩. July, 2005.)
Holy fun: Entertainment for God and the masses in heaven. (Picture taken at Church of Santa Croce⁩ in ⁨Florence⁩, ⁨Italy⁩. July, 2005.)

I’m an atheist. However, if I’m wrong and there is a god I think He must be a sadist. He seems to have the weirdest sense of holy fun for Him and his masses in heaven.

In my imagination, shortly after the beginning, God said to himself, “I’m bored. And soon people will die and join Me here in heaven. Not all of them, but I’ll let the nice ones in if they believe in Me. What can I do to entertain them and Me? Let there be fun! But what?

“I know. I’ll shake things up on My Earth with an earthquake. Let’s see if My puny biped creations can stay on those ridiculous feet I gave them.”

God guffaws as his creations stumble about and structures crash around them. And, heck. Death happens.

Revealing Holy Fun

After several centuries of entertaining Himself and His heaven’s residents with the occasional earthquake, God lamented, “That was fun, but now I need an encore.

“I’ve got it! I’ll reveal Myself to some of my creations. But, rather than creating a single vision of Me, I’ll reveal Myself in somewhat different ways to different groups of them. Let’s see how they deal with that.

“. . . Holy moly! I honestly wasn’t expecting them to become anywhere near that violent. And it’s all because of their different perceptions of Me. Now that’s entertainment!”

Escalating Fun

A couple of millennia and several wars later, a nonplussed God muttered to Himself, “It’s been amusing watching those runts fight among themselves, but it’s getting tiresome. I’ll cause them to invent powerful weapons. I’m not talking about puny swords and battle-axes. I mean something with major fire power. I’ll let them come up with nuclear weapons eventually, but they can start with lesser explosives and work their way up. That’ll liven up the show.”

Eventually, God’s mind wandered, “The fighting’s been great and all, but I can’t tell you what a thrill I’ve had watching them fornicate all of the time. Although, I think I made it too pleasurable. I mean, look at them go at it! I wish I could get some that action. Nevertheless, as fun as it is, I and My minions in heaven tire of watching that live reality show porn all of the time. What can I do to get My—sorry, I mean our—jollies now?

“How about I throw a tsunami at My creations? Let’s see if they can survive an unexpected deluge of rushing water.

“😂🤣 Look at those two! Over there! Can’t you see them? The ones who used to be in that hotel bedroom until it was washed away. They were so engrossed that they didn’t even stop what they were doing when the wave crashed over them.

“Holy cow! Look at that other guy. The one on the leading edge of the tsunami! Man, can that little bugger swim! I didn’t think he had it in him. Oops. He’s under. Maybe that monster wave was a little too much for him. It’s been a few minutes and he still hasn’t raised his head. I guess he’s gone.

“Oh, well. There are plenty more where he came from. I’ll build a new suburb here in heaven to handle all of the traffic. Besides, I can really use more people up here. It’ll increase My property tax base. You wouldn’t believe how expensive it is keeping heaven afloat, so to speak.”

Delivering Holy Fun to the Angelic Masses

Recently, God was more stultified than usual. He lamented, “Nowwww what can I do for fun?”

Celeste Skystein, Chief Angelic Officer, was worried. “I’d never seen God so down in the dumps before,” she said. “Normally, watching a good train wreck or a building collapse was all the holy fun He needed to get Him through the night. But none of the usual catastrophes cheered Him up.

“I said to Him, ‘Hashem,’ I call Him Hashem. We all do up here. I said, “Hashem, don’t be so glum. We’ll think of something. Don’t worry. We’ll come up with the best entertainment ever.’

“But, of course, it wasn’t just God. There was much ennui among the masses in heaven too. The angels under my wings—no pun intended—were starting to grumble that the old entertainments weren’t cutting it anymore.”

Skystein continued, “We both thought about it for the longest while. Then I had a brilliant idea. I excitedly jumped up and down on my cloud and exclaimed to God, ‘I’ve got it, Hashem! This is going to be the most holy fun we’ve had for a while! It’s been ages since You last inflicted a major pandemic on Your human creations, Hashem!’ God’s eyes lit up brighter than I’ve ever seen them. A huge smile came to His face. And the rest is recent history.”

Is it any wonder I take great comfort in being an atheist? Sure, horrific things happen with or without a god. But at least I don’t have to worry that there’s an omnipotent being out there who’s out to get us.

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