Healthful Meditation

A garden for peaceful meditation at ‎⁨Ryoan-ji Temple in Kyoto, Japan. Although, for me, it was less meditation than tourism. But, yes, peaceful.

My previous post presented health and fitness tips*. I also suggested that if that post was successful I might turn this into a site devoted exclusively to health and fitness. At the time of writing, at least one person found it. (I performed some healthful meditation on that. I mention the healthful meditation here only because search engine optimization experts say your key search phrase should appear in the first paragraph.)

One reader is an infinite percent higher than the number of readers I expected. Thus, I declare that article an unqualified success. And, if anyone knows anything about being unqualified, it’s me. Consequently, I will continue with the health and fitness theme for now.

As you probably guessed from the title and the parenthetical beat-them-over-the-head foreshadowing in the first paragraph, today’s article is on healthful meditation.

The nature and extent of the health benefits derived from meditation are subject to debate, but a great many people believe that meditating can significantly improve your mental and physical health.

Opining on Healthful Meditation

On the other hand, an obscenely large number of people believe in astrology. Many people believe in alien abductions. And a few people continue to believe in faeries even after they (the people, not the faeries) become adults. There are even a few people (or, at least, one) who think Donald Trump is a stable genius. So, as we can clearly see, the fact that people believe something is of no value whatsoever in determining whether it is true.

Nevertheless, as long as there are no drawbacks to meditation you might as well meditate in the off-chance there are benefits. Obviously, there is at least one potential downside. If it turns out that meditation provides no value then you will waste one hell of a lot of time doing it. But, admit it, while you might hustle hither and yon pretending to look busy, you probably waste much of your time anyway. You might as well meditate instead.

There is one other possible negative side effect that might be much more serious. As long as all of the precise bio-electrochemical effects of meditation are not entirely known, we can’t be absolutely certain that meditating won’t totally and irreparably mess up your mind.

Then again, if your mind is already totally messed up you have little to lose. (I’m speaking for a friend.) One glance at a newspaper tells me that (in addition to the friend I’m speaking for) a frighteningly large portion of humanity also fit in this category. This article is for them.

Assume the Position

Some people will tell you that the position you assume during allegedly healthful meditation is crucial. That is not entirely false, but it’s not entirely true either. Position does matter, but it is not as significant in mediation as it is in, say, sex. The thing to keep in mind is that it’s important that you are comfortable—or you can become comfortable, possibly with an enormous amount of practice—in whatever position you assume. The same is true when meditating.

There is a common misconception among people who have no idea what they’re talking about, such as me, that the only right way to meditate is in the “lotus position.” For those of you not familiar with it, the lotus position requires that your legs imitate a pretzel. However, unlike pretzels, it’s uncommon to put salt on your contorted legs. Mustard is fine if you are into that sort of thing.

In the lotus position, each foot rests on top of the thigh of the opposite leg, as close to your crotch as inhumanly possible. Whoever devised this posture and thought it was a natural sitting position probably also thought that Oreo cookies are harvested naturally from low-hanging branches of bushes that are abundant on the floor of the Amazon rainforest. It’s amazing what some people believe.

The lotus position is one possible meditation posture, but it’s not the only one. If folding or unfolding your legs will require a surgical procedure, or if you can’t maintain the lotus position for more than 30 seconds without megadoses of industrial-strength painkillers, then it’s not for you.

Comfortable Healthful Meditation

If you can’t achieve and retain the lotus position, find a position that is comfortable for you. This may include sitting on a moderately firm couch, with your back comfortably straight and your feet resting gently on the floor.

One word of caution: The position you choose shouldn’t be so comfortable that you quickly fall into a deep, peaceful sleep, causing your loved ones to mistake you for dead. (Note: Before beginning a program of meditation, discuss it with your loved ones. Ask them to test your state of quietus by giving you a shake before calling the mortician and executing your will.)

After you find a position that’s right for you, preferably not on a barstool in a loud, crowded pub, it’s time to begin meditating and using your meditation to direct yourself toward improved mental and physical health. Unless, as I said, it totally messes up your mind, which you might view as a problem if you still have sufficient functioning neurons and synapses to be able to give a damn.

Just Be

Another common misconception is that meditation involves completely blanking out your mind. Not only is that ridiculous but, for the most part, it’s impossible. With the exception of a few politicians, no one can free his or her mind of all conscious thought for more than the most unmeasurably fleeting of moments. Some politicians can do this at will for extended periods with or without meditation, but they are outliers in the population.

There are a variety of forms of meditation. And different people meditate toward different ends, but rather than emptying your mind, a common goal of meditation is to experience and be at one with the current moment and only the current moment. Not one moment before. Nor one moment after. Don’t consciously steer your thoughts. Just be.

This is much more difficult than it sounds, but there are a number of techniques that can help you achieve complete peace and oneness. Or, if not oneness, at most twoness or threeness. A technique I highly recommend is to start by focusing your attention on a small body part. No, not that body part. I usually start with the big toe on my left foot.

Be Your Toe

When I say “focus on,” I don’t mean “think about.” What you should try to achieve is the opposite of thinking. Instead, try to just be. Don’t think about your toe. Don’t try to feel it, per se. Instead, be your toe. Allow it to consume your being.

After a while, you will become bored of being your left big toe. Boredom will allow thoughts to enter your brain. Rather than actively trying to chase away these thoughts, alleviate the boredom by moving on to another nearby body part. This, for example, might be one of the other toes on your left foot, the top of your left foot, or, if you’re in a hurry, you might leap up to your left ankle. Then, be that body part.

When you get bored of being the second body part, move on to another.

Continue in this manner, first up your body, then from the top down, until you work your way to your genitals. Spend as much time being your genitals as you can. Then take a break to relieve any sexual tension that builds up while you are being your genitals. If you are alone, it is perfectly acceptable to be at one with yourself in this sexual release exercise as well. Like mediation, this can be very healthful. And, contrary to what used to be popular belief, it won’t cause hair to grow on your palms. (Or, so a friend tells me.)

Happy healthful meditation.


* I have not gained one whit of knowledge about health and fitness since writing the previous article. I’m also an ignoramus when it comes to meditation. Thus, as always, you should totally ignore any health, fitness, or meditation advice I give. Which raises the question, what the hell are you doing here?

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